No, this is not about a Halloweenish phenomenon where you suddenly realise there is an evil creature within you, controlling your every move (though that would be freaking awesome...my last words as a human on my blog before a psycho virus takes over me and turns me into a spooky zombie...).
This is about something much more banal and relatable - well, I hope. I don't know if you experience that as well, but sometimes I feel like there is a mean, smug bitch within me who sometimes takes over and turns me into a horrible person. I - my friendly, gentle and superb, humble person - am stuck within, watching this horrible bitch taking control. Suddenly I hear myself say things I don't want to say but this bitch is craving to fight and contradict everyone in the vicinity.
I had that since I was a child and it often happens with specific people or when I actually need to retreat from the world and, for some reason, can't. When I was a child, I spent some summers up in a mountain hut with my then best friend H. After ten days, we were only fighting and I had to be against whatever she said - whether I felt it this way or not.
As you can imagine, it gets really wearisome and exhausting to permanently fight verbally against people in your surroundings (which is why I cannot understand people who do that all their lives - I think it costs lots of energy). And I don't mean actual fighting. It is rather a subtle, passive-aggressive tone with which everything you say is infused. You negate everything the other person says and generally feature an attitude permeated with negativity.
I hate myself when I become like that, but the problem is, there is no off-button for the bitch within me. She is in full control until I had time to retreat and banish her. But even then she will linger in the corners of my mind, ready to attack when I show weakness (OMG, I sound like a schizophrenic, but I mean it in a rather metaphorical way).
It is like in the tale of The Snow Queen, where the mirror lets you see your worst self or something like that - my inner bitch brings out my worst qualities. However, I think she just mirrors my insecurity. She normally comes out when I am around people who correct me all the time, patronise me or subtly criticise my behaviour and the way I do things. For instance, in German there is a phrase which I simply HATE. I would say it is the same in English, but I am not sure whether it is as widespread as in German. It goes "you know that you...(insert what you are doing)". For example, "You know that you can use margarine instead of butter, right?" I think the phrase is condescending and horribly rude. I mean, if I knew it and it was the better way of doing it, I would do it, right? If I knew how to do it and still wouldn't do it, there must be a good reason for it. So why say it? It just shows your superior knowledge of something AND humiliates the person to whom you are saying it. It has NOTHING to do with constructive criticism and I think if criticism isn't constructive, don't be offended if the other person snaps at you.
So, the bitch comes to bite when there is someone worth biting, but that doesn't make it ok. After all, we mustn't allow our behaviour to be steered and influenced by external sources, or we will always have to compete. So, I hope in the future I can answer a person politely like: "No, I didn't know you could do that, otherwise I would have done it and I would appreciate it if you could tell me in a way that I don't feel humiliated. Do you want to show me how to do it?"
And then I would most likely think "bitch" in my head, but hey, I am not perfect, so cut me some slack...
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