I wonder whether some of my readers think I share too many details of my life...
I know I have not been holding back with anything, not even with intimate details about my visit to my OBG, but there is a reason behind this.
Do I flinch when I write about rectal experiences and the thought one of my ex-students might read this and share it at school? Of course. Am I aware how vulnerable I make myself with these posts? Sure, I do.
So why would I do it? Well, because I think it is extremely exhausting and sad how most people only show off the polished version of themselves and I, for a change, want to share good as bad things because this is about sharing stories of my life and, as you might have noticed, my life isn't a parade of wonderful events which make one amazing picture to admire. It has its quirks, its roads downwards and its pit holes, as I assume every life has.
The other day I had a little meltdown (among my many) with my man when he asked me whether I didn't want to go out a little more. I told him I didn't want to see anybody because no one showed who they truly were, anyway. Think about it, what do you really know about the people in your life, your friends and people you know, seriously. Do you know what keeps them up at night? Do you know whether they don't cry themselves into their sleep regularly? Do you know about their sorrows and inner worries? Probably not, because as it seems people slice off the perfect parts of their lives and position them in the most cajoling light, always under full control what leaks out and what doesn't.
I often hear people say how social media supports the superficiality of our times, and I agree. However, I don't think it started with social media. I think that humanity started to polish their public reputations ever since there was something like status. There is even the saying "don't wash your dirty laundry in public". But why? Why? If more people "washed their dirty laundry in public" probably people wouldn't feel like freaks anymore because they're constantly sad or depressed...probably, people could talk to each other and find solutions together.
I must say that I don't know the dark things which hold their firm grip on the people I know. I know about my family (mostly) and my man (if he decides to share), but apart from that, hardly anyone seems to be honest with the people around, and possibly even themselves.
I do, however, also understand why. Being honest, admitting failure or defeat means allowing vulnerability and giving people the chance to judge or criticise you, but don't they do that anyway? It doesn't matter how much you decide to reveal or not. I know people who are constantly holding everything together, fiercely anxious that anyone might peep underneath their well-set walls and assume what's lurking beneath and they still get judged - by me for instance for their incapability to let go and let other people help them with their problems.
I am not saying you should share your innermost feelings and problems with any random person, not at all; however, I believe if we didn't make it a taboo anymore to "wash your dirty laundry in the public", more people would feel they could talk about the dark things in their lives and less would feel alienated and abandoned. I felt like a freak the entire time I was a teenager until, quite by coincidence, I found out that most of my fellow students suffered from failure anxiety and future fears as well and shed the one or other tear with their parents and I finally felt like there was hope for me.
By polishing the things we do to an extent that we actually might start to believe ourselves we are enjoying them, we lie to others and, even worse, ourselves and will probably end up thinking we're freaks for not always feeling great and happy as the people around us seemingly do.
So, I have decided to share some details of my life with you which I feel not completely comfortable sharing, but making myself vulnerable, opening up and admitting my fears and anxieties to myself and others, has deliberated me in many ways in the past years and I think it can heal yourself and others who can identify themselves with your experiences and if you shouldn't feel "healed" or inspired, I just hope you have fun reading about the life of one of many individuals struggling with every day life and growing up.
Writer. Editor. Blogger. YouTuber. Freelancer. Traveller. English fanatic.