As I am writing this, I am 38+5 weeks pregnant with my second baby and waiting eagerly for his arrival. It's Saturday evening, which means it's my "free" evening, as Jakob is putting Lily to bed on Saturdays. Now, you may think "What a treat", but I have found myself struggling with my "free" evenings. He rarely resurfaces after putting her to bed - as he usually just falls asleep - and I find myself sitting in the living room, bored and wondering what to do. There are so many things I feel I "should" do, like blogging, writing, doing yoga, listening to podcasts, planning work, etc. but I usually end up scrolling through my phone or watching Netflix because I am just so tired.
I assume most people would tell me to go easy on myself. After all, my days are filled with looking after a toddler while being highly pregnant, but I can't get over the feeling what a massive waste of time phone-scrolling is - I don't want to look back at my life and realise I spent most of it numbly on my phone instead of doing something that brings me joy and inner peace. I don't know whether it is induced by my hormonal state - which I hope - but I've had terribly death scenarios recently play through my head. Mostly that I get cancer when I'm still young and have to leave my kids behind, that I won't be there for them one day and these thoughts have catapulted me into a frenzy to do more now... I guess such thoughts creep up more often as a parent, but they really freak me out because they sometimes feel more like a premonition than a fear, if you know what I mean - or, even worse, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Waiting for baby is maybe another reason for such restless thoughts. After he stressed me out when it seemed he wanted to make an early appearance, he's now taking all the time in the world to get ready and we're all so eager to finally meet him and enclose him in our arms. I can say, for sure, I am over being pregnant. I really enjoyed this pregnancy and it seemed to fly by, but now every day feels like treacle oozing slowly down, drop by drop. Every twinge is a reason for excitement, followed by disappointment when it subsides.
Another reason why I was a little bit stressed out about the whole birthing situation was because we prepared ourselves with a mental training this time called Die Friedliche Geburt (The peaceful birth). It is similar to hypnobirthing, but approaches delving into hypnosis a little differently. After Lily's birth experience was rather traumatic for me, I wanted to do it differently this time and booked us into a birthing house, rather than a hospital. But I recently realised that my obsession with having the "perfect birth" caused plenty of stress. I was scared baby boy would come too early and I would have to go to hospital - or now that he might take too long and I'll need an induction. Thankfully, Kristin Graf, the woman who runs Die Friedliche Geburt, helped me get back on track and formulate a Plan B and accept that whatever is going to happen, I can still have a peaceful birth either way. Did you have a birth plan and get muddled up in trying to achieve the "perfect birth", I'd be interested to know...
Anyway, I know this post is a little haphazard, but I'm just free-writing it after having my cancer fear thoughts and I figured why not unload a bit of that energy before going to bed. The settling into the new apartment is going very well and if baby boy hasn't made his entrance until tomorrow morning, I'll seize the opportunity to take some pictures and show you the progress. Especially the playroom is coming together like I imagined - even though there is still tons to do. Today we bought the supplies we need for our own DIY coat rack/entrance hall, and I can't wait to show you the results, it's going to look great!
So I hope I can get round to doing that tomorrow and wish you all a wonderful night - mine probably won't be because I'm at the stage where I need a toilet every five minutes and turning around requires a two hand operation to take my belly with me (lol).
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