I'm sitting here in my new kitchen, finally seizing on the peace that's gently settling on the apartment as Lily is being put to bed by Jakob and the construction workers have left for the day. It's been just over two weeks since we've settled into our new apartment - and having gone through a flat move in each of my pregnancies, I can only say: I don't recommend it.
With my 36+5 pregnancy weeks belly, I waddle through the new place, eager to put all hands on deck to make it the perfect home, but I have to concede to my limitations. The baby will be here before I get to the entrance area (for which we will use board and batten technique for the first time, I'll keep you posted), and the room that will one day become our adult space with office and sex couch (more on that in a future post), has been fittingly dubbed The Chamber of Secrets because you can neither find nor see anything for all the boxes piling up to the ceiling.
No, my perfectionism will have to rest - especially as the Braxton Hicks have been pounding my belly for three days on end now, I can barely sleep, the builders are drilling through the day, and Lily needs to be gently settled into her new home amidst all this mess as well.
I can feel my energy draining away with each passing day, so concessions had to be made - and if the bedroom gets painted after the baby comes, so be it now. (I'm actually having second thoughts on the colour anyway...a piece of advice: don't choose apartment colours while high on hormones).
But I don't want to sound too negative - I already LOVE this apartment. Not only is it twice the size of our previous one, but it has a really nice flow to it and the bathroom is bigger than our first flat altogether. I know we will make wonderful memories here - especially when the terrace is finally finished and we can access the garden easily from our kitchen door. It's all going to come together in a most wonderful way - and I will show you when I've decorated properly.
I think one of the reasons why it doesn't come easily to decorate the apartment from the get-go is - apart from the huge belly - my thoughts starting to circle around being a mum of two under two. I feel immensely lucky to have two children basically back to back with my endometriosis - and thinking that only three years ago we were told we might not even be able to have kids! I've wanted to be a mum for the longest time, and especially my time as a full-time nanny cemented my love for the role of homemaker - and yet, it felt so immensely different becoming a mum and parts of me are already drowning in the role, so I've started wondering how I will get everything going with two kids at home. Already I am a far more impatient and emotionally unregulated mum than I envisioned myself. I always wanted to be this incessant pool of calm and patience, the person that always exuded warmth and gentleness. Who never snapped, who never lost it, who never sat crying in bed because the transfer from the car seat to the crib didn't work out as planned (we've all been there, right?)
How will it be when I have TWO sick children who need my attendance all night, who are vying for attention and mummy time - can I get my shit together and become this patient, eternally kind super mum? Well, to make long matters short, I won't. There is, sadly, no button to make you a super mummy. However, maybe that's good because we're just humans, too, and our children will live in a world of actual humans, not super mummies. So, maybe, having a little temper now and then isn't the end of the world...
With our son planning his entrance into our world any minute basically, it feels like the last days before a huge exam. You've done the studying, you've gone over every note in your folder, you've done your work - and, yet, you don't KNOW what will come. Maybe the questions will throw you off, maybe the main theme will be a completely different one from which you anticipated, maybe you paid attention to the wrong details while studying. You can prepare as long and hard as you want - but you cannot GUARANTEE that you will pass the exam with flying colours. And that's scary.
Honestly, I find the idea of a second child much scarier than the first. Because you already know your shortcomings as a mother and wonder how much more strain you can endure. With Lily, I could still pretend I would be this super mummy and have all my shit together. There was no way to KNOW what kind of mum I would be - where my strengths and weaknesses would lie. Now I know, and I know of the days where I can barely handle her, so I can't imagine how I'll get through these days with two little babies.
On the other hand, I am counting the days until he is finally here. I loved being pregnant - both times! - but there is a reason why pregnancy becomes so unbearable toward the end. It's like with teenagers, it's nature's way to make parting with them a little easier. I can't wait to be fit again - or at least tie my own shoes. Thankfully, due to my diligent, sugar-free diet this pregnancy, I am in much better shape than during Lily's (partly because she keeps me on my toes, too - remember when they told you the first time round you can't carry more than five kilos while pregnant - laughable to any mum of more children!). However, with every passing day, I get closer to my limit and I frankly have to say, I've had enough already. Being with a newborn comes with new challenges and sleep deprivation, but the pregnancy is thankfully slowly coming to an end.
And so is this post. My tea has been drunk, my back starts hurting from sitting and I feel like I am starting to ramble. I hope I can give more regular updates on the flat and baby number 2, but any day now our everyday life of the past 20 months will be ruptured, mixed up and dealt with a whole new set - we'll see when and how.
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