Can you still remember Twilight? No? Well, lucky you. It was a bland, shallow story about a terribly unsympathetic girl called Bella Swan and how she falls in love with moody and pain-in-the-ass vampire Edward Cullen. Their more than twisted relationship tortured us for four books and five horrible movies, however, I have to admit I used to be a fan when I was a teenager and I once sat down and wrote a parody on it which was called Drawde and Alleb. This is a long post, as it is the entire story (and installments have been posted previously, but I decided to post it now as one piece) and I hope you enjoy it, especially if you are familiar with the Twilight saga, as you will better appreciate the horrendous jokes I came up with.
Also note, this is not a parody of the whole story, as I lost interest after some time and stopped writing, but I didn't want it to die in a drawer on my laptop, so here goes nothing. Drawde & Alleb Drawde was a genuinely usual girl. She had brown, slightly wavy hair and nearly everyone assumed she curled it artificially, but she didn’t. Drawde had moved from sunny London to the rain-swept town of Spoons, high up in the north of Scotland. Her parents had separated quite a while ago and it was thanks to their divorce that a tattoo featuring an angel saying ‘God fucks my parents’ tattoo was embellishing Drawde’s butt. However, Drawde had lived with her mother up to this point, wo had found love again and so Drawde found herself forced to live with her father, Charlie. Charlie was a man of few words and Drawde was glad about that. Sie didn’t fancy discussing the unpleasantness of intimate hair removal with him and so they sat silently in the car after Charlie had picked her up from the station in the further away and bigger city, Citizen. Charlie only snorted when a red Ferrari raced over the road with 100 km/h which only allowed 30. He was the chief of police in Spoons, but could actually not care less about the people’s safety. They sauntered on and Drawde was glad when they finally reached the house. It was made out of wood and pretty rustic. Drawde would have preferred a city flat with a view on the Trafalgar Square, but she would have to live with these circumstances here. She only nearly had to scream when she realised that Charlie had decorated her entire room in screeching pink. “That is amazing, dad”, she managed to stutter before he could read her expression (the corners of her mouth were dragged down and her eyes opened wide in disgust). Charlie snorted again and went to watch TV. The television was strictly spoken the reason for her parents’ divorce. Until this day, Drawde’s mother, Renee (whose own mother had had a terrible sense for naming), called the television “terrible marriage breaker”. Drawde sighed and unpacked the few belongings she had brought here. Her attire was not adequate for the volatile weather. The only thing you could rely on in Spoons was that it almost always rained. After Drawde had unpacked, she made dinner and went straight to bed. Tomorrow she would go to a new high school. Spoons High School consisted of 365 ½ students and Drawde already knew they would throw weird looks at her and she didn’t like the prospect. Shortly after her parents had divorced, Drawde had developed the annoying habit of terrible clumsiness to compensate her anger and arise pity. Unfortunately, this habit became uncontrollable and now Drawde was compelled to stumble various times a day and run against things (today she had run against the train door which had borne the sign “Caution” and had hurt her foot when climbing into the car. Additionally, she had injured her eye when trying to flirt with the conductor and had thrown her own hair ends in her face). Anyhow, Drawde was not eager to be mocked by all her school mates. When Drawde got into the car her father had given her, she hit her head on the door frame. “Be careful”, Charlie shouted at her through the window. “Of course”, Drawde responded, but her head hurt nevertheless. She drove to school as carefully as possible but still managed to kill off two squirrels, a cat and (she hoped) a monkey. Relieved, she arrived at the parking space and got out. The other students examined her and one approached her. She was wearing a dress and, to Drawde’s surprise, wore makeup. “Hello, Drawde Duck”, she said celebratorily and Drawde wondered why she knew her name already. “Hi, er…” “Erica”, she said and laughed (it was most likely supposed to sound girly, but it just sounded retarded). Drawde nodded and moved on. “I am the all-knowing being of this school”, Erica blabbed on although Drawde tried to show her with all means that she was annoying her (she turned her face away and put on her I-am-annoyed-look). “So, if you want to talk about anything or anything else, ask Erica, alright?” Drawde nodded again, hoping to get rid of Erica soon. She entered the biology lab and Mr Montrose welcomed her by screwing up his nose. In this moment, Drawde saw him the first time. He sat there and glared at her (if looks could kill, Drawde would have lain in twisted ways on the floor, her eyes gazing in the air asymmetrically). She pursed her lips and went to him as gracefully as she could. Unfortunately, her aggression brought round her proclivity for clumsiness and she fell flat on her nose in front of his eyes. He laughed but when the wind tousled her hair, he held his nose. What was wrong with him? Drawde had only stepped into a dunghill once today and Erica didn’t seem to mind. Drawde sat down next to him. “Today”, Mr Montrose said with a piqued voice, “we are going to allocate mitoses to their respective phases. Please start.” The boy pushed the first small plate to her and she put it under the microscope. She looked at it for a long time until the boy yanked the microscope out of her grip impatiently and pulled it to himself. “Anaphase”, he thundered annoyed. “I would have got that”, Drawde hissed. The boy looked at her in a most unfriendly way and screwed up his nose. His eyes were black - why Drawde noticed that first, she didn’t know, but she always looked first at the eyes. Offended, she took the second small plate and shoved it over to him. “Do it better”, she yelled and the class turned to them. The boy rolled his eyes and protected his nose with his sleeve. Such a jerk. Drawde was happy when biology class was finally over and she didn’t have to see the arrogant boy anymore, although she couldn’t help realising - after having stared bewildered into his eyes for forty-five minutes - that he was quite handsome. Like an angel he looked - an angel with black eyes, didn’t they normally have golden eyes? Whatever, he had made her feel as if she stank and just because about twenty students had already avoided her for the smell, did not justify his behaviour. With a sigh, she went to the canteen and sat down with a random group of people. “Howdy, people, what’s up?” she said, hoping they would all think she had been attending this school the past years. One of the girls looked remotely familiar, as she had known her in another life. “Who is that, Erica?” another girl asked the girl which Drawde tried to remember. Exactly, Erica was her name. “This is Drawde Duck”, Erica presented Drawde. The longer Drawde looked at her, the more details came back to her memories. Had her hair been this long when they had met first or had it grown? Whatever, Drawde smiled at the other girl whose name she figured out by listening attentively, was Jessy. “Hi, Jessy”, she said proudly and held out her hand. “I am sure you wonder how I know your name”, Drawde continued, proud to present her detective expertise. Jessy looked at her, confounded. “I have just told you my name”, she then said and in this moment, Drawde knew she couldn’t stand her. She looked like she would found an Anti-Drawde-Fraction at some point, anyway. So, Drawde turned away demonstratively and observed how some shadows formed in front of the canteen door. That was not entirely true, but Drawde loved horror movies and therefore always conjured up vampires and shadows in her mind, although nothing like that existed - obviously. Behind the door some teenagers were standing who were frantically trying to look stern and afflicted. At some point, the door opened and Chariots of Fire came out of nowhere. Drawde watched the most impressive entry she had ever seen. First came a tall, young man who looked as if he could wrestle Arnold Schwarzenegger down. Next to him floated the probably most beautiful woman of the world with long, blond hair (so she had to be beautiful). Behind them was a blond boy with a slim, short-haired beside him and she looked like, and Drawde didn’t know why it popped into her head, a fairy - or a vampire. They all managed to walk with the tune and Drawde admired that they didn’t keel over or stumble despite the fact that they were walking in slow motion. Behind them there was biology class boy - hey, probably the longest compound, Drawde pondered, but whatever. He managed to walk even slower and straighter than the others and his hair whipped with every step. He looked around smiling as if he knew what everyone was thinking - how absurd. He walked across the room and arrived the table the second Chariots of Fire ended. Fleet-footed, he sat down and looked at his food with distinct concentration which he - like all the others - didn’t eat. That had to be it, Drawde thought, he was anorexic and she had smelled of her new chocolate body lotion, which smell he had to despise. Content with this new realisation, she nodded towards him but he only looked at her as if he needed a toilet or was trying to read her mind - on or the other. “That is Alleb Fallen”, the girl whose name had slipped Drawde’s mind again informed her. “Allen Fallen?” Drawde asked. “Is he anorexic?” The stranger looked at her quizzically. “No, or maybe yes, actually no one knows. He and the others are kind of weird.” “Yes, they never eat”, the girl named Jessy interjected. To demonstrate her dislike for her even further, Drawde turned away from her. “You don’t eat when you’re anorexic”, she remarked coolly but then she realised that this comment rather offended the other girl. “Then they would be thinner”, Jessy retaliated. Such a stupid cow. “Are the others his siblings?” Drawde investigated further although she could tell with one look that they didn’t look alike at all. “Yes, of course, after all, they look identical”, Jessy responded and Drawde turned her head away again. “The Arnold Schwarzenegger rip-off is called Meme.” Drawde looked at Jessy enraged, as she had had the Schwarzenegger thought first. “And the blond’s name is Lose”, Jessy continued regardless Drawde’s respectable disrespect with which she respected Jessy. “The blond guy who looks kind of manipulative is Leicester”, the stranger continued - what had been her name? “And the little, weird one is Alice.” Drawde nearly choked on her bun. “Like Alice in Wonderland?” Jessy and the other one nodded in unison. “That is ace, I wish I was like Alice - a bit naive, permanently conjure up stories in my head, attracted to danger and weird characters…” Drawde inhaled deeply. Jessy and the other one nodded knowingly. “And the boy, what’s his name?” Drawde couldn’t remember his name if it was for her life, even though it had been mentioned some mere minutes ago. For her he would always be biology class guy. “You mean Alleb?” Drawde nodded. “The one with the beetle black eyes.” “He is good-looking”, Jessy said. “But he never went out with any of us, such a retard, as if there were better girls in the world.” Jessy seemed resentful and Drawde was so exhilarated by this that she sang in her head: Haha, Jessy got turned down. Haha, Jessy got turned down. Jessy got turned down… At some point she realised, clued by Jessy’s and the other girl’s dumbfounded expressions, that she had, indeed, been singing the song out loud. Embarrassed, she shoveled in her apple and stood up quickly. Thank god this day was soon over... The next day, it didn't rain anymore and Drawde almost felt like in sunny London. She inhaled the sun deeply and also didn’t slip when she went to her car. Whistling, she drove to school and when she heard the song Tell him what you think she decided on whim to take Alleb to task today and ask what his problem was. Probably he was simply in love with her and could only show her this way. That was another one of Drawde’s problems. All the boys who fell in love with her could only show her through aggression - such a shame. Drawde was very indignant when she went to biology class and Alleb wasn’t there. Far too late, she realised that she would only have biology in the fourth period and that this class wasn’t even hers. She blamed the teacher for not having informed her thusly and marched out, her nose in the air. Impatiently, she waited until the fourth period and entertained herself with taming rain worms. Mostly, they obeyed only when she accidentally strangled them to death or stepped on them. Eventually, the fourth period arrived. “Drawde, where have you been?” the girl asked, whom Drawde realised, was Erica. “I tamed rain worms”, she declared proudly and showed her the dead worm. “That one was naughty”, Drawde lectured Erica quickly. “You missed class, Drawde.” Drawde shook her head vigorously. “Not true, didn’t you know that we only have biology in the fourth period and I was sitting in there with complete strangers.” “Drawde, first we had other classes. You missed four tests and an assignment.” “Ayayaya”, Drawde shouted out dramatically. “And it is all his fault.” “Whose fault?” Erica asked. Drawde sighed deeply. “Alleb’s. We wanted to meet in biology.” Erica raised one of her eyebrows curiously, Drawde wanted to be able to that, too. She tried for a minute but made a complete fool out of herself. “You wanted to meet?” Erica asked and interrupted Drawde’s deplorable eyebrow-lift-attempts. Drawde nodded promisingly and skipped the part in which only she wanted to meet him. Her prospects to be the coolest chick in the school were not going according to plan but meeting a pale, possibly anorexic, perfectly walking to the beat of Chariots of Fire, biology coming, hanging out with weird people, Alleb-called, possibly not anorexic but still not eating boy increased her chances deliberately, Drawde thought confidently. She always considered the glass to be half full, except if there was strawberry juice in said glass, which she didn’t like and was happy when it was finally half empty. Either way, Drawe was happy when biology class commenced, but this rush of happiness didn’t linger, as Alleb seemed to be gone without a trace. So Drawde sat in biology, boiling with anger and contemplated what Alleb would have to do to make up for it. Then she remembered that this had not even been a real date and Alleb probably was just ill, but it was an impertinence nevertheless. An Alleb-less day went past and when Drawde drove home with the junker her father had given her, she couldn’t see the road being blinded by tears - some more monkeys killed, why were there so many monkeys around? She wondered. And they drove cars, too - irresponsible. The next days, Alleb stayed absent and Drawde assumed it had something to do with the mysteriously good weather. Why it had to be sunny when she wanted to talk to a pale boy, she didn’t understand and wrote a hate letter to Mother Nature. Now she had to hang around with the uncool people like Erica or Jessy. Their pathetic group had been enlarged by the boys Maik, Taylor and Angelo. They sat together in the cafeteria. “Oh, Drawde”, MMaik was purring at the moment. “Although you look like someone who is only into mysterious men, I wonder whether you could condescend handing over the milk.” Drawde only turned away contemptuously and left drooling Jessy to hand him the milk. Drawde was neither impressed nor flattered by the boys’ flirtatious behaviour as she knew she was a ten or more. Angelo and Taylor were also looking at her yearningly although Drawde demonstratively turned away and showed them the back of her hair. Suddenly, Taylor drew away Angelo’s chair without any obvious reason and the latter slumped on the floor. Taylor ran away as if stung by an adder and cackled endlessly. Such an idiot, Drawde thought as he - after completing this idiotic act - had said “my precious” and pointed at me - like in Lord of the Rings. Again, Drawde cursed the fact to be forced to hang out with such idiots and scanned the room, bored. She missed Alleb. Suddenly she realised that the other four people of the weird family were sitting at their table. Why hadn’t she noticed earlier? Well, whatever, they looked as if they were dating anyway, somehow like that, although they were siblings but Jessy most certainly had only mixed that up and the truth was that the only thirty year old Dr Fallen (the profession was chosen at random) had adopted them and they weren’t even related - there were things beyond weirdness. When Drawde was sitting in biology class a couple of days later, she was more than puzzled to find Alleb sitting next to her. Totally surprised, she turned to him and thereby threw her long hair over her shoulder. Unfortunately, she flung her hair ends into Alleb’s eyes, who screamed in pain. For a nanosecond, Drawde considered apologising, but that was beneath her, so she simply giggled. Alleb looked at her, annoyed, and then looked out of the window. Drawde strutted as she was sitting next to such a mysterious boy. “Do you like the rain?” Alleb then asked out of nowhere. Drawde blinked a couple of times too often, as she hadn’t been prepared for the question. “Er, no, I don’t like the wet and cold”, she read the sentence the teacher was writing on the blackboard. Better than no answer. Alleb smirked and Drawde nearly keeled over. Alleb had leant forward and pushed her and Drawde could only just so keep on to her chucks. “If you hate rain so much, why did you move to the place with the highest rainfall rate?” Alleb continued to interrogate her and had put on his nerd glasses for that reason. “WHAT?” Drawde shrieked. “This is the place with the highest rainfall rate. I need to leave.” Screaming, she hurled out of the classroom, but as the bell was ringing, no one noticed. The students of Spoons Highschool had got used to Drawde’s theatrical out burts. In hindsight, Drawde wondered whether her reaction had been a teensy weensy over the top and swore to not shout out loud during classes henceforth (which was very hard for her - in English, she couldn’t avert it three times, but the teacher had ceased to wonder). So now Drawde was standing on the parking space and mulling over how to get closer to Alleb, when she heard tyres screeching and then a couple of things happened the same time:
“Oh my god, Oh my god”, she yelled. “You may call me Alleb”, he responded and she nodded reverently. “How did you do that”, she whispered breathlessly. “Do you have potential superpowers?” Alleb looked from right to left - very slowly. “Er, no, why would you think that?” “You just saved me.” “Shit happens, I will see you tomorrow.” He left. “I love rain”, she shouted after him and then remembered her vow to stop shouting about, but then she also remembered that that was only true for the classroom and so she screamed a couple of other things, too, like: Alleb is the greatest, in the name of Alleb’s father, Alleb’s son and the allebstish spirit, Jessy is a skank and Oh my dear, look at her coming out of the rabbit hole. At some point, she decided to go to the hospital at last, only to seem even more pathetic and helpless. “Say goodbye to your driving licence”, Charlie screamed to no one particular and sat down with Drawde, “You could have been dead”, he said and looked at his finger nails. Drawde bit her lip, as her father had just said the ominous sentence she had wanted to say. So she simply nodded and they drove home. Drawde enjoyed the attention people were giving her and strutted about with it. She strode through school and told anyone who would listen - and anyone else, too - that she had nearly been hit by a car and it was only thanks to Alleb that she was still here. She was only slightly disappointed to see that Alleb didn’t react the way she expected. Rather, he retreated even more and mysteriously missed a lot of classes - especially on the rainy days on which Drawde could show cleavage. It was yet again such an Allebless, sunny day and Drawde sat with Jessy - the fatal skank - and, holy cow, Drawde had forgotten her name again, what a nuisance, together on a bench. The unknown was just asking - as Drawde was tanning her bosom - whether she didn’t want to come to the close-by city Forks with the skank. (Scots had to have a close relationship with their cutlery). Drawde agreed as Spoons was as exciting as coconut shampoo with vanilla extract - which was not exciting at all, as the shampoo dated back to the antique and was therefore quite a back number. They went to Drawde’s junker to get to town and now Drawde finally remembered the reason for this - she had been bathing in the looks of all the boys who wanted to go out with her when the unknown had told her. They wanted to buy dresses for this horrible, embarrassing social ritual which you would nowadays call a ball. However, Drawde decided she wouldn’t go, as Alleb would probably not go with her and therefore she’d be angry and would stumble which would be counteractive to her recently gained popularity. There was a bookshop in Forks, one who was located nicely off the city centre where no normal tourist would ever wander and to which you could only get by passing through some dark alleys and which only opens in the evening, so the atmosphere isn’t destroyed. First, Drawde went dress-shopping and looked at the most ugly dresses with the biggest disinterest which the unknown - her name was Erica - and Jessy wanted to buy. Then, when it was finally getting dark, she left the shop, her walk sagging, and steered towards the darkest corner of Forks. To make sure to herself (and to other people) how intimidating this area was, Drawde blinked far too often and nervously flung her hair out of her face. She was actually disappointed when she reached the bookshop without anyone mugging her or holding a gun in front of her nose. Sighing deeply, she entered the little tatty bookshop which was owned by some foreigners. Aimlessly, she wandered along the bookshelves and suspiciously eyed up the shop owner now and then. He was Indian - something like it. Anyhow, he was wearing feathers in his hair and red paint over his body. Additionally, he was semi-nude, which Drawde considered to be quite unprofessional, but an Indian Sex/Bookshop in this area wouldn’t be news. “You blahblah my language”, Drawde asked cautiously to not hurt his feelings. “I can understand you very well”, he answered brusquely whereupon Drawde immediately put on her best offended pose (her lips blow up like Angelina Jolie’s and her eyes were frowning - as if you could do that - and her arms were so tightly entwined that only Houdini could have entangled them). You spoke once to an Indian and they are immeditaely arrogant, Drawde thought and decided here and now to never speak to one again. Until she found a book on the bookshelf. “How much”, she asked and completely forgot to be offended (nevertheless, she couldn’t entangle her arms as usually when Drawde was offended, she was offended for at least three days). “Why do you need a book about werewolves?”, the Indian guy asked. Drawde snorted. “You never know. Maybe I become friends with one who falls indefinitely for me and longs for me without any hope as I am perfect and can only think about the biology class guy, and the werewolf even builds a motorcycle for me although I am driving a Chevy which is at least seven hundred years old and in the end all he can do is fall in love with my yet unborn baby daughter because I don’t want him, ha? Now you don’t say anything anymore, right.” The Indian seemed to have understood and pulled out the book, shoved it in a bag and clamped it under Drawde’s arm, which were now more entangled than ever (every werewolf now had a better chance than the Indian). Drawde stretched her chin and ran against the doorframe, as she was angry again. Hastily, she ran down the stairs and had forgotten where she was until a group of giants assembled in front of her and she realised she was in Forks’ Ghetto. “Could you tell me where the restaurant Panchali is?”, one of them asked. “What kind of code is that”, Drawde shrieked theatrically and desperately tried to entangle her arms. “Stay away from me.” “What’s the matter? Can I help?” “Help? As if, you just want to bring me to a dark place where you can pull out your Japanese knife and poke me dreadfully. Evil Guy tapped a couple of times with his finger against his forehead and his friends did the same. “You want to shoot me?”, Drawde screamed. “Well, then go for it.” She assumed her I-will-now-be-shot-by-evi-people pose (which meant throwing back her hair and putting her hands on her head, her mouth slightly opened). Before the fiend could pull out his gun, Drawde heard a car approaching. It stopped still and when Drawde opened her eyes, she realised it was Alleb. “Oh, Alleb”, she yelled. “You came to save me in my darkest hour.” Alleb looked at her confused and the other guys tapped against their foreheads once more, but Alleb would never shoot her, Drawde knew that. Alleb looked behind him and suddenly sirens were howling. How cute, he had even called the police. “Er, sure”, he said hastily and looked around frantically. “Come one.” Drawde ran away from the creepy guys and sat down in his Volvo. Quickly, he stepped down on the accelerator and raced off. “Don’t you want to belt on?” Drawde asked Alleb, who laughed. “Probably you should belt on.” Now they both laughed. “No, seriously”, Alleb said sternly now. “Please belt on.” They came back to the vibrant parts of Forks and Drawde ducked when she saw Jessy and Erica as she didn’t want Alleb to know with what kind of losers she was hanging around. “Let’s go and eat Tagliatelle”, she quickly suggested. “I am on a special diet”, he said mysteriously and nodded meaningfully. “The one from Kurt Richis? I have been on that once. Only cabbage, if you need to fart, feel free to do so.” Alleb screwed up his face. “No, a different one”, he said. “A really different one”, he added conjuringly. “Ah”, Drawde made and leant back. They stopped in front of Mustafa’s Italian to eat mushroom ravioli (she didn’t think of the Tagliatelle anymore). “Can you see how the waitress is looking at you”, Drawde asked Alleb, who was bathing in the attention. “I would be into me, too”, he said and grinned before returning to his stern, suffering expression. “If there only wasn’t this thing about me…”, he added in a conjuring voice and put on a deeply pain-ridden look, as if he was a vampire being forced to conceal his true identity to live among people. Probably that was why he was dieting...so appear even more mysterious and suffering - or because of the anorexia, but he didn’t look like it. So Drawde ordered mushroom ravioli - why mushroom ravioli? - and eat tiny bits, as she didn’t want to look fat next to biology class guy. He, meanwhile, sat there and had his face screwed up as if he needed a shit. “What are you doing?”, Drawde asked and shoved five mushroom ravioli in her mouth - and here again: why mushroom ravioli? Anyone how’s been to an Italian (even Mustafa’s) knows there are thousands of better dishes on the menu, so why Drawde? “I am reading minds”, he answered with a grave voice. “And what are they saying?” Drawde asked, equally gravely. “That I should comb my hair, at least the girl back there thinks so.” Alleb stood up and vanished into the bathroom while Drawde was eying up the judgy girl. She looked wolfy, really. She had pointed ears and they were too far up her head to be elf ears, and she had hair everywhere - in her mind, Drawde recommended Venus Vibrance - and looked mean, as if she was pleased that she could offend Alleb. He was just coming back from the toilet and his hair was pressed down to his head so much that you could see how oval his head shape actually was. He sat down again. “So, you can read minds?”, Drawde asked innocently. “What am I thinking at the moment?” Alleb looked at her and was probably shitting in his mind again. “I cannot hear anything with you.” “How peculiar”, she blurted out. “How special I am.” “Or you don’t have any thoughts”, he replied dryly. Drawde was about to be offended again, but then she remembered the Forks Ghetto incident and refrained from it. “You are not good for me”, Alleb said after a while. “Because you cannot read my mind?” He seemed to think this over and then added with a desperate look. “Sorry, I meant, I am not good for you.” He said it with so much emphasis that Drawde didn’t dare to object. So, Alleb sat there over five minutes with his desperate look and already started to sweat, when Drawde finally said: “Alright, let’s leave.” “Don’t you want to know why?”, Alleb asked. “Why?” “Why would you asked that, Drawde, I cannot tell you”, he answered brusquely and turned away. “Let’s leave.” “But I just said t-” “No”, he interrupted her. “It’s too late, I cannot expose you to such danger anymore.” Drawde looked at him for a moment, confused, and then shrugged. “Alright.”
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Angie
Writer. Editor. Blogger. YouTuber. Freelancer. Traveller. English fanatic. Archives
October 2023
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